It Shouldn’t Happen to A Scotland Player / Manager / Supporter

This section will be filled with all those contrived and ridiculous photos that Scotland players have had to put up with over the years; there will I’m sure be plenty of tartan and kilts on display.

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1974 -Dixie Deans and Graeme Souness – Scottish Football’s answer to the Alexander Brothers – From the programme versus Spain.

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1977 – Manager Willie Ormond looks positively chuffed with himself. Could it be that he’s just been invited to become a member of the ‘Mile High Club’? – From the programme versus Sweden. 

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1978 – Looking the part – some of the Scotland squad look like World Class Footballers whilst others look like dodgy, car salesmen -From the programme versus Wales.

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1978 – Argentina Here We Come- We might not have played well when we got there but we were sharp dressers nonetheless although we don’t think that wee Archie looks too happy – From the Hampden send-off programme.

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1978 – What a bunch of multi-talented sportsmen our world cup squad were – From the Hampden Send-off programme.

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1978 – We’re not sure that those Argentine senoritas fully appreciated the handsome hunks that were headed their way – From the Hampden send-off programme.

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1978 – Therz the hatz, the scarfz, the Good, the Great, the Unused and the Stupid – From the Hampden Send-off Programme.

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1978 – In the shadow of Jockie Wilson. The darts player from Fife won two world titles whereas the footballer from Ayrshire never played at a World Cup Finals. From the Hampden send-off programme.

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1978 – What drinking culture? A cup of tea for big Joe Jordan, a game of bingo then in bed by 9.00pm. From the Hampden send-off programme.

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1978 – Surely there must be equally ridiculous photos out there of the likes of Cesar Luis Menotti, Helmut Schon  and other Argentina 78 World Cup managers? From Fitba magazine 1998.

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1978 – Of course you don’t have to be a player or a manager to be able to make a complete ‘Roger Hunt’ of yourself for the sake of the cause as comedian Andy Cameron demonstrates. From the Scotland versus Wales programme 1985.

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1985 – Alex McLeish and Gordon Strachan pose next to what looks like the Tories’ Tartan Army Supporters Bus. From the programme versus Wales.

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1987 – Future Scotland Manager Gordon Strachan – the Ad Man’s dream. From the Scotland versus Republic of Ireland programme.

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1991 – Faces for radio although I think Archie MacPherson looks a tad embarrassed at the company he was keeping back then – From various Scotland programmes unfortunately. 

CONTRIVED 1998

1991 – We know that Denis [and his hairdresser] have a sense of humour but someone should have advised ‘The King’ better – From Fitba magazine 1998.

CONTRIVED LATVIA 1997

1997 – Mad Max becomes William Wallace and the rest is history -sort of. From the Scotland v Latvia programme.

 

 

 

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1997 –  Scottish Football pundit Chick Young – He didn’t want to be taken seriously anyway. From the Fitba magazine 1999.

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1998 – Former Scotland striker Frank McAvennie plus support…From Fitba magazine 1998.

CONTRIVED CZECH 1999

1999 – Facepaint and capitalism – a potent mix. From the programme versus the Czech Republic.

CONTRIVED2008 CROATIA

2008 – The brewing giant Tennents add a gold star to the Scotland jersey [in the programme versus Croatia] and tell us to ‘never stop dreaming’. Meanwhile in a parallel universe the real Scotland jersey has no less than THREE gold stars for the world cups won in 1966, 1974 and 1978. All we need is a stargate portal to transport ourselves there and as such it is an orifice that many of us dream of entering on a regular basis.

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2008 – Suits you sirs. Scottish footballers and M&S ? Makes a change from S&M. From the programme versus Norway.

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2008 – You don’t need to be Gok Wan to know that these skirts, sorry Kilts, just don’t work. Sincere apologies if you bought one -no sympathy however if you wore it more than once. Again, from the programme versus Norway.

CONTRIVED ARGENTINA 2008

2008 – Evita wasn’t about the Kingdom of Fife which was a pity because if it was then Jim Baxter or Scott Brown would have made a great Che Guevara. From the Scotland v Argentina programme.

CONTRIVED 2011 CZECH

2011 – There are so many things that could be said here, but who wants imprisonment or a hefty fine? From the Scotland v Czech Republic programme.

CONTRIVED LITHUANIA 2011

2011 – Goalkeeping legend Alan Rough who occasionally had problems ‘communicating’ with his back four and his defensive walls – from the programme versus Lithuania.

CONTRIVED2012 AUSTRALIA

2012 – Maybe this should come under the heading of ‘Exploitation’ rather than ‘Contrived/Ridiculous’. Anyway, on the Road to Rio we took a wrong turning at Cardiff and ended up in the wilderness – again. From the programme versus Australia – who made it to other Brazilian cities if not Rio.

CONTRIVED 2012 SERBIA

2012 – The lion mascot from 1974 Roary Superscot epitomised Scotland’s fighting spirit of the time. Fast forward to the 2012 programme versus Serbia and we now have a lion that looks like it would get easily knocked off the ball by Chimps and Sloths alike.

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2013 – And so at the end of another failed qualifying campaign…..From the programme versus Belgium.

CONTRIVED 2013

2013 – Yes, let’s pretend it’s a world heavyweight title fight – from the programme versus Croatia.

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2013 – Are those tattoos of English roses? Mind you don’t prick yourself. From the programme versus the USA.


 

Oh, our teams got lots of Scottish players in it; let’s do a photo with some tartan and maybe a bagpipe or two.

First up – Leeds United

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Anything Leeds can do . . . we can do better

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Tommy Docherty with Pat Crerand on the pipes surrounded by Man. United’s Scottish contingent

And over in Merseyside; they had Ron Yeats of Liverpool and Alex Young of Everton dress up too.

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The Scotland player as a Fashionista

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Andy Gray ; Fashionista

Not sure what this photo was about; however I’m sure the caption might have went along these lines;
” Ally chops Gray from World Cup Squad and he’s out for revenge”
“News of the World Exclusive; Andy Gary talks about his “secret life” and releases a debut record; a version of Monty Python’s “Lumberjack Song” for Transvestite Charity fund”.
“Andy Gray tries out for new series of History Channels’ Ax Men . . and fails miserably”
“Andy Gray and Lulu to launch new Littlewoods outdoor wear range circa ’78”
“Andy has a plan to deal with English First Division Hatchet Men”
“Andy Gray is a Fud”


 

Perhaps we get a glimpse of why Peter Marinello never achieved a full Scotland cap with ths outfit.

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Scotland Hardman Graeme Souness showing off some of his fab gear, just bought in Middlesbrough High Street boutique no doubt

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Peter Cormack with polka dot (I kid you not) platform shoes. Groovy

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These Leeds United boys look rather dapper (not) but thank goodness there’s no colour as Eddie Gray’s jumper would rend you colourblind by the looks of it.

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There’s no doubt there’s hundred’s of Charlie Nicholas likes this

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Charlie has just bought his first pair of Leather Trousers

Charlie fails to fill out his underwear sufficiently

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Simon Donnelly tries to audition for East 17

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Kenny WTF is that about?

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This from the Liverpool Echo archives and for some reason features a teetotal Kenny in a bar with a half pint shandy and a good looking burd by the way.

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Kenny how many of these type of embarrassing photos are you in?
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Sandy Jardine gets in on the act with the Mrs along with Kenny and his. Once more Kenny WTF?

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Kenny with Everton’s Bob Latchford with Bubblegum. Kenny WTF?

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By all means Kenny put your name to a toy football game but surely not to something with the name ‘soccer’ in it. Casdon soccer; a piece of shit.

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Kenny Dalglish, Liverpool manager, during the filming of “The Anfield Rap”, the pop song and video of Liverpool Football Club in Liverpool on 23rd April 1988. (Photo by Bob Thomas/Getty Images.)

Lookin’ pure Dope Kenny.

 


 

Roy of the Rovers and a wee ginger guy

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A Bunch of Thespians

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John Wark; more wooden than Sylvester Stallone in Escape to Victory, if such a thing is possible.

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Ally McCoist with Robert Duvall in  the much maligned ‘ A Shot At Glory’

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You’ve seen Bad Santa; now here’s the sequel ‘Ugly Santa’.

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Andy Gray is just so wrong Santa.


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Ian Wallace proves that It shouldn’t happen to Football Player could mean playing in a chocolate coloured strip.

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Sometimes that strip can be a Scotland one as Stewart McKimmie, Gary McAllister, Andy Goram, Paul McStay and Duncan Ferguson prove.


 

Ally McLeod as a judge on Blue Peter

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Ah, The Adman Cometh

Joe Jordan has a nice beer

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The Perminator………From ‘The Rough and the Smooth’ [Headline Publishing, 2006].

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Nice pullover gets you nice girl. From ‘The Rough and the Smooth’.

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We’re not convinced that Danny is up for this kind of malarkey. From ‘The Rough and the Smooth’.


 

The Milk Marketing Board must have sponsored us at some time; why else would Messrs. Law, Morgan and Jardine have a photo like this taken.

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