The Scotland Epistles Football Magazine

This section will be filled with all those contrived and ridiculous photos that Scotland players have had to put up with over the years; there will I’m sure be plenty of tartan and kilts on display.

1974 -Dixie Deans and Graeme Souness – Scottish Football’s answer to the Alexander Brothers – From the programme versus Spain.

1977 – Manager Willie Ormond looks positively chuffed with himself. Could it be that he’s just been invited to become a member of the ‘Mile High Club’? – From the programme versus Sweden. 

1978 – Looking the part – some of the Scotland squad look like World Class Footballers whilst others look like dodgy, car salesmen -From the programme versus Wales.

1978 – Argentina Here We Come- We might not have played well when we got there but we were sharp dressers nonetheless although we don’t think that wee Archie looks too happy – From the Hampden send-off programme.

1978 – What a bunch of multi-talented sportsmen our world cup squad were – From the Hampden Send-off programme.

1978 – We’re not sure that those Argentine senoritas fully appreciated the handsome hunks that were headed their way – From the Hampden send-off programme.

1978 – Therz the hatz, the scarfz, the Good, the Great, the Unused and the Stupid – From the Hampden Send-off Programme.

1978 – In the shadow of Jockie Wilson. The darts player from Fife won two world titles whereas the footballer from Ayrshire never played at a World Cup Finals. From the Hampden send-off programme.

1978 – What drinking culture? A cup of tea for big Joe Jordan, a game of bingo then in bed by 9.00pm. From the Hampden send-off programme.

1978 – Surely there must be equally ridiculous photos out there of the likes of Cesar Luis Menotti, Helmut Schon  and other Argentina 78 World Cup managers? From Fitba magazine 1998.

1978 – Of course you don’t have to be a player or a manager to be able to make a complete ‘Roger Hunt’ of yourself for the sake of the cause as comedian Andy Cameron demonstrates. From the Scotland versus Wales programme 1985.

1985 – Alex McLeish and Gordon Strachan pose next to what looks like the Tories’ Tartan Army Supporters Bus. From the programme versus Wales.

1987 – Future Scotland Manager Gordon Strachan – the Ad Man’s dream. From the Scotland versus Republic of Ireland programme.

1991 – Faces for radio although I think Archie MacPherson looks a tad embarrassed at the company he was keeping back then – From various Scotland programmes unfortunately. 

1991 – We know that Denis [and his hairdresser] have a sense of humour but someone should have advised ‘The King’ better – From Fitba magazine 1998.

1997 – Mad Max becomes William Wallace and the rest is history -sort of. From the Scotland v Latvia programme.

1997 –  Scottish Football pundit Chick Young – He didn’t want to be taken seriously anyway. From the Fitba magazine 1999.

1998 – Former Scotland striker Frank McAvennie plus support…From Fitba magazine 1998.

1999 – Facepaint and capitalism – a potent mix. From the programme versus the Czech Republic.

2008 – The brewing giant Tennents add a gold star to the Scotland jersey [in the programme versus Croatia] and tell us to ‘never stop dreaming’. Meanwhile in a parallel universe the real Scotland jersey has no less than THREE gold stars for the world cups won in 1966, 1974 and 1978. All we need is a stargate portal to transport ourselves there and as such it is an orifice that many of us dream of entering on a regular basis.

2008 – Suits you sirs. Scottish footballers and M&S ? Makes a change from S&M. From the programme versus Norway.

2008 – You don’t need to be Gok Wan to know that these skirts, sorry Kilts, just don’t work. Sincere apologies if you bought one -no sympathy however if you wore it more than once. Again, from the programme versus Norway.

2008 – Evita wasn’t about the Kingdom of Fife which was a pity because if it was then Jim Baxter or Scott Brown would have made a great Che Guevara. From the Scotland v Argentina programme.

2011 – There are so many things that could be said here, but who wants imprisonment or a hefty fine? From the Scotland v Czech Republic programme.

2011 – Goalkeeping legend Alan Rough who occasionally had problems ‘communicating’ with his back four and his defensive walls – from the programme versus Lithuania.

2012 – Maybe this should come under the heading of ‘Exploitation’ rather than ‘Contrived/Ridiculous’. Anyway, on the Road to Rio we took a wrong turning at Cardiff and ended up in the wilderness – again. From the programme versus Australia – who made it to other Brazilian cities if not Rio.

2012 – The lion mascot from 1974 Roary Superscot epitomised Scotland’s fighting spirit of the time. Fast forward to the 2012 programme versus Serbia and we now have a lion that looks like it would get easily knocked off the ball by Chimps and Sloths alike.

2013 – And so at the end of another failed qualifying campaign…..From the programme versus Belgium.

2013 – Yes, let’s pretend it’s a world heavyweight title fight – from the programme versus Croatia.

2013 – Are those tattoos of English roses? Mind you don’t prick yourself. From the programme versus the USA.

Oh, our teams got lots of Scottish players in it; let’s do a photo with some tartan and maybe a bagpipe or two.

First up – Leeds United

Anything Leeds can do . . . we can do better

And over in Merseyside; they had Ron Yeats of Liverpool and Alex Young of Everton dress up too.

The Scotland player as a Fashionista

Andy Gray ; Fashionista

Not sure what this photo was about; however I’m sure the caption might have went along these lines;
” Ally chops Gray from World Cup Squad and he’s out for revenge”
“News of the World Exclusive; Andy Gary talks about his “secret life” and releases a debut record; a version of Monty Python’s “Lumberjack Song” for Transvestite Charity fund”.
“Andy Gray tries out for new series of History Channels’ Ax Men . . and fails miserably”
“Andy Gray and Lulu to launch new Littlewoods outdoor wear range circa ’78”
“Andy has a plan to deal with English First Division Hatchet Men”
“Andy Gray is a Fud”

Perhaps we get a glimpse of why Peter Marinello never achieved a full Scotland cap with ths outfit.

Scotland Hardman Graeme Souness showing off some of his fab gear, just bought in Middlesbrough High Street boutique no doubt

Peter Cormack with polka dot (I kid you not) platform shoes. Groovy

These Leeds United boys look rather dapper (not) but thank goodness there’s no colour as Eddie Gray’s jumper would rend you colourblind by the looks of it.

There’s no doubt there’s hundred’s of Charlie Nicholas likes this

Charlie has just bought his first pair of Leather Trousers

Charlie fails to fill out his underwear sufficiently

Simon Donnelly tries to audition for East 17

Kenny WTF is that about?

This from the Liverpool Echo archives and for some reason features a teetotal Kenny in a bar with a half pint shandy and a good looking burd by the way.

Kenny with Everton’s Bob Latchford with Bubblegum. Kenny WTF?

By all means Kenny put your name to a toy football game but surely not to something with the name ‘soccer’ in it. Casdon soccer; a piece of shit.

Lookin’ pure Dope Kenny.

Roy of the Rovers and a wee ginger guy

A Bunch of Thespians

John Wark; more wooden than Sylvester Stallone in Escape to Victory, if such a thing is possible.

Ally McCoist with Robert Duvall in  the much maligned ‘ A Shot At Glory’

You’ve seen Bad Santa; now here’s the sequel ‘Ugly Santa’.

Andy Gray is just so wrong Santa.

Ian Wallace proves that It shouldn’t happen to Football Player could mean playing in a chocolate coloured strip.

Sometimes that strip can be a Scotland one as Stewart McKimmie, Gary McAllister, Andy Goram, Paul McStay and Duncan Ferguson prove.

Ally McLeod as a judge on Blue Peter

Ah, The Adman Cometh

Joe Jordan has a nice beer

The Perminator………From ‘The Rough and the Smooth’ [Headline Publishing, 2006].

Nice pullover gets you nice girl. From ‘The Rough and the Smooth’.

We’re not convinced that Danny is up for this kind of malarkey. From ‘The Rough and the Smooth’.

The Milk Marketing Board must have sponsored us at some time; why else would Messrs. Law, Morgan and Jardine have a photo like this taken.